Heart Keepers...

I am going to digress a bit here, and talk about a current life lesson I have learned. 
It has been a very emotional year for me for many reasons. I have been on an emotional roller coaster of a personal kind. Not one that is typically caused by circumstances outside of me, like my daughter's health, financial difficulties, family issues, etc. 
From the time I got married to my husband, I began a slow descend into becoming very isolated. My energy had been very focused on my new husband, and with becoming pregnant. A longtime friendship I had  with my best friend had become severed just prior to my marriage, which only added to my descent. My heart was broken from it, and I channeled all my energies into my new life. I made his friends, my friends.
After the birth of our daughter, and death of her twin, my only son, I began a deeper decline into depression. When Austin died, the blow was so hard to my heart, I didn't think I would ever breath again. Here I had a beautiful daughter, Roxy, and yet, the pain I was in, was more than I thought I could bear. I felt like I was sleep walking though life, and that at some point I would wake up. It is a strange feeling; joy and grief entwined. I never got the chance to fully experience just the joy. Eight months later, our life would take another dramatic turn. Our daughter began having uncontrolled seizures. The last eleven years have been caring for, and devoted solely to her. She requires complete and total care. Other life events needed my attention as well, so I have been stretched to full capacity.
I have heard many times, that being the caretaker for a disabled person, it is especially crucial to make time for yourself. I am a care taking machine. It is what I do. It is part of my makeup. I have always been one to put others first. I am the person that uses her own birthday money to buy for others. Taking time for myself is not in my vocabulary. But, it should be. I am learning this, the hard way. 
Over the years, I have craved for a friend again. My husband is my friend, but I craved female friendship. I needed female friendship. I prayed to God to send me a new friend. But, in order to have friends, we must be available. We must be open to it. And we must invest time. What I didn't realize, was I had this warped loyalty to my husband, and felt guilty if my time wasn't devoted to our daughter, and him. God won't send us what we need, until we have our hands open to receive. 
This year, I made a conscious decision to give myself permission to have a friend again, and to make time for her. The problem was, how do you make friends, when you're always home, when your time is so limited, are not part of any group, or participate in any class, etc? 
So, I set out to reconnect with people that I was friends with, that I genuinely cared for. I have reconnected with Ro, my 'adopted' sister. I have found in her what it must be like to have a real sister. But, now that I was open to it, God didn't stop there. He reconnected me with Patty, Alicia, and brought Sharon,  Shay, and now Missy into my life.
It is the end of the year, and as we move forward, we look to the new year for new possibilities, second chances, hope for better things. I look forward to spending more time with my friends, and deepening our friendship. As I look back and reflect over this year, the thing I am MOST proud of, is the friendships that I have formed with them. 
They have brought life back to life for me. They have been through this year with me, and at times, have pulled me from the depths of despair. They have added new dimensions to me, make me laugh, have allowed me to be completely authentic, and still love me. They bring BALANCE to my life, are my sounding-boards, my therapist, and most importantly, my Heart Keepers.....