Listen up Universe!

Sometimes I feel like the law of attraction does not apply to me. I have always been a very positive, fun-loving, outgoing person, who believes in the best in people, that good things can happen and do happen. I have always shared whatever I have with others, often going without so others may have. I have always stood up for the underdog. I have often given so much of myself, almost always to my own detriment....what am I missing? What haven't I been putting out to the universe? It is a mirror, right? What you put out you get back. If that is the case, is it deeds or thoughts? What the hell am I not doing right??!

I continuously have trials and tribulation in my life. I won't go without my ownership of some of it. My choices and decisions haven't always been the best. I get the consequences that followed. But, beyond that, I don't get it. I do get that bad things happen to good people. I get that some bad people go through life not suffering an ounce of bad. This has been a universal law throughout history. So many whys??!

I won't say that I haven't been given tremendous blessings. My children for instance. I couldn't have designed, dreamed up, or imagined three of the most beautiful daughters a mother could ask for. I would die a thousand deaths for them....

But dammit! I would like for just once, to not have to suffer quite so much. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. I feel like my mind is wired for pain. My body wired for pain. My life wired for pain. It feels as though my heart has been brutalized. Stomped on. Is that where I am going wrong? I am putting out to the universe that I believe my life is about pain? I assure you, it wasn't always that way. It wasn't what I always put out, so I don't get why this is the result...

Fear. Maybe it is my fear. Not fear that I am not capable. I know I am. If life has taught me anything, it is that I am a very capable person. Strong in many ways. No, not fear of my capabilities, rather fear of how my decisions to do what I want to do for my own happiness will impact the people I love. I know that life doesn't call us to be martyrs. I hope that isn't how I come across. I just care so deeply, for the people I love, that I don't ever want to cause them pain. That hasn't always been good. By not allowing people to suffer the consequences of their actions, cripples them. In my quest to not want some of those I love to suffer from their actions, choices, decisions, I have crippled them. But, that isn't what I am talking about now. Those decisions were for others, not myself. Always for others...that has been my motto.

I need to change that motto. It needs to be more balanced. More like, "Always for others, but for me, too."...
If I could just learn how. If I could just stop worrying so much about the how. If I could just know that 'the universe',  or 'God', will take care of the rest and others...that if I could put out to the universe that I am going to no matter what, it will get the message that I am not going to take it anymore!!