There is no worse feeling than to have your heart and head in conflict. When you feel like you are in 'Limbo Land'. And yet, this is exactly where I am residing right now. "Limbo land."
On one hand, it is okay. I am floating along. Drifting with the current. I had to let go for now. Let go of trying to figure things out. Let go of wondering if, where, and how...
It has been said that you 'Get used to hanging if you hang long enough'. It's true. If you live with crazy long enough, you get used to chaos. I am used to chaos... Calm is a foreign state of being for me. I am always in a 'defense stance'. Waiting, and expecting the floor to drop out from under me at any given moment. It is exhausting, and I am exhausted. I once said that, 'I cried so much that I emptied myself' - that 'I felt like I had space in my heart again.' But now, I feel like my heart is just being held together with duck tape. I am a walking wounded...
I don't know if a person can change so dramatically over night. Yet, that is what seems to have happened. Can a person go from one side of the pendulum all the way to the other side over night? Swing from one extreme to the other? I don't believe anyone can live on one side of the pendulum or the other for any extended period of time. Eventually, we all settle somewhere in the middle. The part of us that feels the most 'natural'....I don't know what the 'natural' is for him, and more importantly, I don't believe HE knows what the middle is for him. I still look at him as a stranger. I have even asked him, "Who are you, and what have you done with .....?' I wonder to myself sometimes if he really isn't him at all, but a clone of him, put in place while aliens have the real him! Silly, isn't it?! Like the body snatchers. Then, once they are finished with him, they will replace him, and I will have the old him back. The one that has caused such turmoil, sadness, loneliness, fear, anger, alienation...
I try not to be skeptical. But I can only work with what I know. If the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, then I don't have much to work with. He doesn't exactly have the best track record. He seemed very natural, and comfortable in his misery. Which is why I am so pensive. Can a heart with so many stress fractures ever be mended? Will I ever be able to trust again?
I admit, having peace is nice for now. It isn't me this time, trying to have peace at any price. It is the change in him, allowing peace to take place. I find that for the first time in many years, I am able to let my guard down a bit. I don't have the same sense of dread and angst. I am not in survival mode. As a result, I sleep. My body telling me that it has reached its max. My brain telling me that it is saturated, and can not absorb anymore. My soul saying let go. I need the rest. A time to restore and replenish...For who knows what the future holds? This may be a temporary reprieve. The calm before the storm...
Only time can heal this Neglected, Broken heart. This Battered, and Abused soul. Only time will tell if the change is authentic. Only time will reveal what is meant to be.
Only time will tell...
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