Last year was not a particularly great year. I had really placed a lot of faith, and hope that 2014 would be a better year. Fresh start. Good things ahead. So far, it isn't working out as I hoped it would. For starters, 2014 started off on the wrong foot. My mom's bestest friend in the world, a second mom to me, passed away. Her daughter, passed away at the age of 49 a week prior. The surviving sisters father-in-law passed away a
shortly after. A friends husband hung himself. Another co-workers
husband jumped in front of a train. My son in law lost his job, my
daughter's hours were cut back at work, my other daughter has had her
share of troubles, a family members home was broken into, and robbed of
sentimental objects, as well as other items, another family member was
in a restaurant while an armed robbery took place, my neighbor lost his
job, my dear friends child underwent a long surgery to place growth
rods, only to find out that one of the rods had broke, rendering the
child in excruciating pain, that she is unable to express because she is
a non-verbal, disabled child. Another friends child has been being
bullied at school. I was in a car accident that has left me in a state
of anxiety, I finally got my car back, only to slide in the snow, hit a
curb, and ruin a tire, and rim, having to take the car back, only adding
to my anxiety. Roxanne was doing very well initially after her spine
surgery, but seems to have taken a step back. We will be going for an
MRI in the upcoming months. I know I am forgetting something, but I
think I have made my point. It's too much. Even if the people I spoke of
don't affect my life directly, or on a daily basis, I feel the pain of
the people that they do.
A part of me wants to crawl into a hole, and not come out. It just feels overwhelming. I try to keep my perspective, and remember the good things that have happened, or are happening. It is not as easy as it once was. I guess I am just getting older. But, today is a new day. I will only do what I can today, in this moment. I can't go back. I can't be in tomorrow. I can only be in today. It may not turn out the way I set out for it to be, but I am still here. So, I guess if I am still here, I have a purpose. What that is, I am not exactly sure, but I will continue to do my best, continue to forge forward, continue to try to ease the pain of others, to be the best mommy, daughter, sister, & friend.....even if I have to fake it to make it.
I was a fair faced child with freckles on my nose. I smiled with such ease until my rose tinted glasses were blown off my face.

Friday, February 28, 2014
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Train Wreck
I know how it feels to keep screwing up, and not being able to stop.
I wish I could go away for a while and allow time to go to work and start healing.
I'm in the middle of mud, and I am struggling to gain control; but the mud has the best of me, and my attempts are futile. I'm exhausted.
My life is a big drama with no intermissions. Sometimes, I wish for the curtain call.
Chaos...Frustration...Anger...Sadness.
I yell, scream, cry. Sometimes I want to hide.
That is all anyone knows of me anymore. Pathetic.
It is what I am known for. It is what people count on. ~Nuts~
I want to shut up and be still for so long that when I do finally speak, I will be strong, calm, and reposed. ~Placid~
No defending. No mending.
Peoples words would bounce off me, and drop to the floor. ~Bang!~
No more 'gettin my goat'. When they can't get a rise from me, what a boring subject I will be.
No more caring about others opinions, no more allowing someone to dictate my peace.
I won't allow myself to explain, explain, explain....
I'm tired of talking. It gives me a headache!
Oh! How they will think I've finally snapped! But, that is okay.
At least I won't be yelling.
Blah! Blah! Blah! There is something to be said for silence.
Observe, be still, keep them guessing. Quiet, sshhh!
Get busy being quiet.
Get busy getting it together.
Get busy getting a life.
I wish I could go away for a while and allow time to go to work and start healing.
I'm in the middle of mud, and I am struggling to gain control; but the mud has the best of me, and my attempts are futile. I'm exhausted.
My life is a big drama with no intermissions. Sometimes, I wish for the curtain call.
Chaos...Frustration...Anger...Sadness.
I yell, scream, cry. Sometimes I want to hide.
That is all anyone knows of me anymore. Pathetic.
It is what I am known for. It is what people count on. ~Nuts~
I want to shut up and be still for so long that when I do finally speak, I will be strong, calm, and reposed. ~Placid~
No defending. No mending.
Peoples words would bounce off me, and drop to the floor. ~Bang!~
No more 'gettin my goat'. When they can't get a rise from me, what a boring subject I will be.
No more caring about others opinions, no more allowing someone to dictate my peace.
I won't allow myself to explain, explain, explain....
I'm tired of talking. It gives me a headache!
Oh! How they will think I've finally snapped! But, that is okay.
At least I won't be yelling.
Blah! Blah! Blah! There is something to be said for silence.
Observe, be still, keep them guessing. Quiet, sshhh!
Get busy being quiet.
Get busy getting it together.
Get busy getting a life.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Authentic Me...Now you're free
Authentic me I tried to drown,
I fought, fought, and held her down.
Tough was she, she wouldn't go,
but for a time she did pass out,
while the impersonator went about
living a life that wasn't me.
But, then authentic me awoke,
dazed, confused, still feeling choked.
In a life where she feels trapped.
Sad to know she can't go back.
Alert, awake, coming to,
she is wondering what to do.
Where does she go from here,
In a life that is filled with tears.
Now awake, she can no longer fake
who she truly is.
It's me! It's me! I've been set free!
She will not go, she is here to stay.
Will learn to face another day.
She fought. She won.
She will carry on....
Authentic me, now you're free.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thanks for the concern, but....
Oh, the well meaning people. I don't blame them. I don't get mad at them. I understand they are only trying to help.
I know I should eat better. I know that exercising would be GREAT for my body. I know I should eat whole foods. Organic foods. Take supplements. I know there are all kinds of 'natural' anti-inflammatory foods, supplements, etc. I know. I know. I know! Did I mention, I know!?
What these very well intentioned people forget, rather, what they can not possibly comprehend, is the lifestyle I live having an Autistic & Epileptic child.
The sleepless nights. The endless days. Just check some of my Facebook posts. They are usually three, four in the morning, or earlier, when most of the people I know are still sleeping. Peacefully. Comfortably. With their spouse. Or lover. Or comfortably alone.
I don't have the luxury of taking time in the morning to have a 'routine' for myself. To take time to 'heat' my back, and stretch out my sore, aching muscles. Then take time for yoga, or meditation. I have most likely been up most of the night. Like last night. And the night before. And the night before that. Roxy doesn't understand that I have had three back surgeries. She doesn't understand I have tears in my shoulder. Or a herniation in my neck that sends shooting pains. She doesn't understand the strain that changing her 65lb. body puts on my already over-worked, stressed, injured body.
Roxanne doesn't understand that I stay up with her when her brain won't shut off, and I am completely exhausted. When the affects of the numerous medications fuck with her little head. I am her source of comfort. Her 'woobie'. Her 'blankie'. I am her source of food, and life. I am her port. Her safe place. At the expense of my own body, time, energy, peace, relationships, marriage, friendships, and soul. I give it all to her. I do it to the best of my ability. Then manage to save the minute amount of energy I can muster to the remaining family members and friends, that I love, love, love! I need them. Like air. They keep my life normal.
So, I grab the quickest thing I can find to eat. I grab my pain meds to help me get through the day with some degree of quality. So I can function, and work through the pain that has engulfed my body. "Intractible Pain", the doctor calls it. Some may find that weak. I don't care anymore. It works for me. Fast. I walk a couple times a week. And push myself to do it. I would love to grab my cookbooks that have collected dust, and make an amazing meal. I would love to take much needed time for myself and do something selfish. Like sleep. But, I am too busy changing diapers on a pre-teen. Feeding her. Bathing her. Trying to entertain her, because she does not have the skills to entertain herself. She doesn't have friends. Or play house. Or board games. Or go outside. She doesn't have sleep overs with girlfriends. She doesn't go to glass blowing birthday parties. Nope. None of that. I am grateful she still watches Blues Clues. Woe is the day she looses interest in Steve or Joe!
I know I should take better care of myself. But please don't keep telling me. I know. Wanna help me? Really? Make me a meal. Come to my house and take Roxy for a walk in her stroller. Take your vacation time to sleep at my house, in the bed with Roxy. You stay up all night with her so I can sleep. My husband has to sleep by the way. He has to work. Or we lose the little we have left. Don't tell me that I should look into services that are available to us. Did that. There aren't. Not ones that apply to us. Don't you think I would have utilized everything, and anything that is out there? But no, I won't send her away, so don't tell me to do that either.
I really do appreciate all the concern. I know I am loved, and that is a great feeling. But, I am smart. I know what would be good for me. So, thanks. Really. I will end my rant now. Duty calls. Literally.
Friday, October 14, 2011
A stranger among me.
There is no worse feeling than to have your heart and head in conflict. When you feel like you are in 'Limbo Land'. And yet, this is exactly where I am residing right now. "Limbo land."
On one hand, it is okay. I am floating along. Drifting with the current. I had to let go for now. Let go of trying to figure things out. Let go of wondering if, where, and how...
It has been said that you 'Get used to hanging if you hang long enough'. It's true. If you live with crazy long enough, you get used to chaos. I am used to chaos... Calm is a foreign state of being for me. I am always in a 'defense stance'. Waiting, and expecting the floor to drop out from under me at any given moment. It is exhausting, and I am exhausted. I once said that, 'I cried so much that I emptied myself' - that 'I felt like I had space in my heart again.' But now, I feel like my heart is just being held together with duck tape. I am a walking wounded...
I don't know if a person can change so dramatically over night. Yet, that is what seems to have happened. Can a person go from one side of the pendulum all the way to the other side over night? Swing from one extreme to the other? I don't believe anyone can live on one side of the pendulum or the other for any extended period of time. Eventually, we all settle somewhere in the middle. The part of us that feels the most 'natural'....I don't know what the 'natural' is for him, and more importantly, I don't believe HE knows what the middle is for him. I still look at him as a stranger. I have even asked him, "Who are you, and what have you done with .....?' I wonder to myself sometimes if he really isn't him at all, but a clone of him, put in place while aliens have the real him! Silly, isn't it?! Like the body snatchers. Then, once they are finished with him, they will replace him, and I will have the old him back. The one that has caused such turmoil, sadness, loneliness, fear, anger, alienation...
I try not to be skeptical. But I can only work with what I know. If the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, then I don't have much to work with. He doesn't exactly have the best track record. He seemed very natural, and comfortable in his misery. Which is why I am so pensive. Can a heart with so many stress fractures ever be mended? Will I ever be able to trust again?
I admit, having peace is nice for now. It isn't me this time, trying to have peace at any price. It is the change in him, allowing peace to take place. I find that for the first time in many years, I am able to let my guard down a bit. I don't have the same sense of dread and angst. I am not in survival mode. As a result, I sleep. My body telling me that it has reached its max. My brain telling me that it is saturated, and can not absorb anymore. My soul saying let go. I need the rest. A time to restore and replenish...For who knows what the future holds? This may be a temporary reprieve. The calm before the storm...
Only time can heal this Neglected, Broken heart. This Battered, and Abused soul. Only time will tell if the change is authentic. Only time will reveal what is meant to be.
Only time will tell...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Listen up Universe!
Sometimes I feel like the law of attraction does not apply to me. I have always been a very positive, fun-loving, outgoing person, who believes in the best in people, that good things can happen and do happen. I have always shared whatever I have with others, often going without so others may have. I have always stood up for the underdog. I have often given so much of myself, almost always to my own detriment....what am I missing? What haven't I been putting out to the universe? It is a mirror, right? What you put out you get back. If that is the case, is it deeds or thoughts? What the hell am I not doing right??!
I continuously have trials and tribulation in my life. I won't go without my ownership of some of it. My choices and decisions haven't always been the best. I get the consequences that followed. But, beyond that, I don't get it. I do get that bad things happen to good people. I get that some bad people go through life not suffering an ounce of bad. This has been a universal law throughout history. So many whys??!
I won't say that I haven't been given tremendous blessings. My children for instance. I couldn't have designed, dreamed up, or imagined three of the most beautiful daughters a mother could ask for. I would die a thousand deaths for them....
But dammit! I would like for just once, to not have to suffer quite so much. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. I feel like my mind is wired for pain. My body wired for pain. My life wired for pain. It feels as though my heart has been brutalized. Stomped on. Is that where I am going wrong? I am putting out to the universe that I believe my life is about pain? I assure you, it wasn't always that way. It wasn't what I always put out, so I don't get why this is the result...
Fear. Maybe it is my fear. Not fear that I am not capable. I know I am. If life has taught me anything, it is that I am a very capable person. Strong in many ways. No, not fear of my capabilities, rather fear of how my decisions to do what I want to do for my own happiness will impact the people I love. I know that life doesn't call us to be martyrs. I hope that isn't how I come across. I just care so deeply, for the people I love, that I don't ever want to cause them pain. That hasn't always been good. By not allowing people to suffer the consequences of their actions, cripples them. In my quest to not want some of those I love to suffer from their actions, choices, decisions, I have crippled them. But, that isn't what I am talking about now. Those decisions were for others, not myself. Always for others...that has been my motto.
I need to change that motto. It needs to be more balanced. More like, "Always for others, but for me, too."...
If I could just learn how. If I could just stop worrying so much about the how. If I could just know that 'the universe', or 'God', will take care of the rest and others...that if I could put out to the universe that I am going to no matter what, it will get the message that I am not going to take it anymore!!
I continuously have trials and tribulation in my life. I won't go without my ownership of some of it. My choices and decisions haven't always been the best. I get the consequences that followed. But, beyond that, I don't get it. I do get that bad things happen to good people. I get that some bad people go through life not suffering an ounce of bad. This has been a universal law throughout history. So many whys??!
I won't say that I haven't been given tremendous blessings. My children for instance. I couldn't have designed, dreamed up, or imagined three of the most beautiful daughters a mother could ask for. I would die a thousand deaths for them....
But dammit! I would like for just once, to not have to suffer quite so much. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. I feel like my mind is wired for pain. My body wired for pain. My life wired for pain. It feels as though my heart has been brutalized. Stomped on. Is that where I am going wrong? I am putting out to the universe that I believe my life is about pain? I assure you, it wasn't always that way. It wasn't what I always put out, so I don't get why this is the result...
Fear. Maybe it is my fear. Not fear that I am not capable. I know I am. If life has taught me anything, it is that I am a very capable person. Strong in many ways. No, not fear of my capabilities, rather fear of how my decisions to do what I want to do for my own happiness will impact the people I love. I know that life doesn't call us to be martyrs. I hope that isn't how I come across. I just care so deeply, for the people I love, that I don't ever want to cause them pain. That hasn't always been good. By not allowing people to suffer the consequences of their actions, cripples them. In my quest to not want some of those I love to suffer from their actions, choices, decisions, I have crippled them. But, that isn't what I am talking about now. Those decisions were for others, not myself. Always for others...that has been my motto.
I need to change that motto. It needs to be more balanced. More like, "Always for others, but for me, too."...
If I could just learn how. If I could just stop worrying so much about the how. If I could just know that 'the universe', or 'God', will take care of the rest and others...that if I could put out to the universe that I am going to no matter what, it will get the message that I am not going to take it anymore!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Where we are now is what we hoped for then, but forgot....
Not so long ago, we used to say, "If we could accomplish reducing Roxy's seizures from the 25-50 per month she was having, to just 10 seizures a month, we would be happy!""Wow! wouldn't THAT be great?! Wouldn't life seem so much easier then?"....
We went into the neurologist's office fully prepared to discuss a medication that had been presented to us at one time, but we declined, because it would require a hospital stay. In order to start it, Roxanne would have to have an EEG to monitor her brain/seizure activity, (during one visit, the tech was annoyed at how often she was called to replace the leads for Roxy, and became impatient with her. While trying to put them back on, Roxy became very upset, because she doesn't understand what is happening, and being held down causes her tremendous anxiety. The tech started becoming rough with her, and began yelling "Hold still! "Hold still! Stop it!", at her while putting the leads back on. Roxy was screaming, and becoming increasingly stressed. I yelled 'Stop!' I put a halt to it, told the tech to leave, lucky that I refrained from punching her, and had the nurse call the neurologist. We left the next day.), have an IV ready to administer medication to stop seizures if she begins going into status epilepticus (a life-threatening condition in which the brain is in a state of persistent seizure. Definitions vary, but traditionally it is defined as one continuous unremitting seizure lasting longer than 30 minutes, or recurrent seizures without regaining consciousness between seizures for greater than 30 minutes), and weaning of one of her current medications. In the weaning process, until the new medication reaches a therapeutic level, if it even works at all, as the medication is removed, it may cause seizures to start, known as 'break-through seizures'.
At the time that the medication was presented to us, it wasn't long after my third back surgery, so I was not emotionally, or phsically prepared for the stress of what it entailed, staying with Roxanne during her hospital stay. She can not be left alone at any time, and needs continuous supervision. Keeping Roxanne occupied, and entertained during a hospital stay is extremely stressful, and takes a toll on me. During one stay, I left briefly to go to the bathroom, fully believing that she was engrossed in watching a video, and while I was in the bathroom, she flipped over the railings on the bed, landing on her head. It wound up prolonging our stay, because the doctor wanted to do a cat scan. Sleeping on the chairs that pull out to a bed leaves much to be desired, and not exactly back friendly. We felt the stress of the hospital stay, the risk that the med wouldn't work, what effect all the fluctuations have on her, the risk that if by weaning a current medication and the new medication doesn't work, may cause her to have more seizures that are irretrievable, was a risk that we weren't ready to make.
Keep in mind, that we have accomplished getting Roxy's seizures to the 10 per month (give or take) that we used to dream about. But, like anyone, we continue to try. Try for better. Try for 5. Then 2. Then 0. Her seizures are harder now. They take more of a toll on her, and she doesn't recuperate as quickly. So, although she has less, it feels worse. Much worse.Watching her suffer through them is heart wrenching. Which, is why we have made the decision to want to try anything that will help her, and stop her suffering. Including the medication that was presented to us at one time. We learned from a friend whose daughter takes the the med, that we may not have to go into the hospital to do it. With that in mind, we were more open to it.
During the office visit, after going over the usual things, her neurologist said that she felt Roxanne was doing very well overall, including seizure control, and was very pleased. We discussed the tethered spinal chord, and Syrinx, that was discovered last year. We will have to follow them, and do yearly MRI's to watch the progression, if any. She wants a current EEG, which we will try to do during the holiday break from school. When we mentioned wanting to try that medication that she suggested a while back, she said, "Why? She is doing so well. We have achieved the best seizure control she has ever had." We had thought we maxed out on her current medications, including the one that we started a few years ago, one from Canada. It is the drug that we feel has given us the best result in reducing her seizures. The 'cocktail' is the best so far. But, now that she is a bit older, she can use a bit more, so we have some room to tinker with. So we shall. And, maybe we can achieve less seizures now. My lips to God's ears!
So, I left feeling hopeful again. I was reminded that we have reached a goal, and to be grateful for it. We have room to play around with her meds. We don't have to go through the trial and error process again by weaning and adding medications. At least not now. We were saved from a hospital stay. And, her doctor told us that she was at a seminar recently with her colleague, a doctor who has also worked with Roxanne, presented by a genetic researcher from Australia, that a gene was found, PCHD-19, that appears to cause seizures, Autistic behaviors, and severe cognitive delays in girls, along with other factors. During the seminar, Dr. Goldberg said to her colleague, "Doesn't this sound like Roxanne Saxe?" Until now, we do not know why Roxanne has seizures. We've done all the testing available so far, all coming up empty. She said that this discovery, and research is so cutting edge, and we know so much more now than we did, even ten years ago. It is so cutting edge, that we may not even be able to test Roxy for it yet, but she is going to try. She asked us, "Wouldn't it be nice to know why, and put it to bed?" Yes. Yes it would. It may not change anything, but at least we would know why. And, who knows. Maybe in the near future, we will know even more....
We went into the neurologist's office fully prepared to discuss a medication that had been presented to us at one time, but we declined, because it would require a hospital stay. In order to start it, Roxanne would have to have an EEG to monitor her brain/seizure activity, (during one visit, the tech was annoyed at how often she was called to replace the leads for Roxy, and became impatient with her. While trying to put them back on, Roxy became very upset, because she doesn't understand what is happening, and being held down causes her tremendous anxiety. The tech started becoming rough with her, and began yelling "Hold still! "Hold still! Stop it!", at her while putting the leads back on. Roxy was screaming, and becoming increasingly stressed. I yelled 'Stop!' I put a halt to it, told the tech to leave, lucky that I refrained from punching her, and had the nurse call the neurologist. We left the next day.), have an IV ready to administer medication to stop seizures if she begins going into status epilepticus (a life-threatening condition in which the brain is in a state of persistent seizure. Definitions vary, but traditionally it is defined as one continuous unremitting seizure lasting longer than 30 minutes, or recurrent seizures without regaining consciousness between seizures for greater than 30 minutes), and weaning of one of her current medications. In the weaning process, until the new medication reaches a therapeutic level, if it even works at all, as the medication is removed, it may cause seizures to start, known as 'break-through seizures'.
At the time that the medication was presented to us, it wasn't long after my third back surgery, so I was not emotionally, or phsically prepared for the stress of what it entailed, staying with Roxanne during her hospital stay. She can not be left alone at any time, and needs continuous supervision. Keeping Roxanne occupied, and entertained during a hospital stay is extremely stressful, and takes a toll on me. During one stay, I left briefly to go to the bathroom, fully believing that she was engrossed in watching a video, and while I was in the bathroom, she flipped over the railings on the bed, landing on her head. It wound up prolonging our stay, because the doctor wanted to do a cat scan. Sleeping on the chairs that pull out to a bed leaves much to be desired, and not exactly back friendly. We felt the stress of the hospital stay, the risk that the med wouldn't work, what effect all the fluctuations have on her, the risk that if by weaning a current medication and the new medication doesn't work, may cause her to have more seizures that are irretrievable, was a risk that we weren't ready to make.
Keep in mind, that we have accomplished getting Roxy's seizures to the 10 per month (give or take) that we used to dream about. But, like anyone, we continue to try. Try for better. Try for 5. Then 2. Then 0. Her seizures are harder now. They take more of a toll on her, and she doesn't recuperate as quickly. So, although she has less, it feels worse. Much worse.Watching her suffer through them is heart wrenching. Which, is why we have made the decision to want to try anything that will help her, and stop her suffering. Including the medication that was presented to us at one time. We learned from a friend whose daughter takes the the med, that we may not have to go into the hospital to do it. With that in mind, we were more open to it.
During the office visit, after going over the usual things, her neurologist said that she felt Roxanne was doing very well overall, including seizure control, and was very pleased. We discussed the tethered spinal chord, and Syrinx, that was discovered last year. We will have to follow them, and do yearly MRI's to watch the progression, if any. She wants a current EEG, which we will try to do during the holiday break from school. When we mentioned wanting to try that medication that she suggested a while back, she said, "Why? She is doing so well. We have achieved the best seizure control she has ever had." We had thought we maxed out on her current medications, including the one that we started a few years ago, one from Canada. It is the drug that we feel has given us the best result in reducing her seizures. The 'cocktail' is the best so far. But, now that she is a bit older, she can use a bit more, so we have some room to tinker with. So we shall. And, maybe we can achieve less seizures now. My lips to God's ears!
So, I left feeling hopeful again. I was reminded that we have reached a goal, and to be grateful for it. We have room to play around with her meds. We don't have to go through the trial and error process again by weaning and adding medications. At least not now. We were saved from a hospital stay. And, her doctor told us that she was at a seminar recently with her colleague, a doctor who has also worked with Roxanne, presented by a genetic researcher from Australia, that a gene was found, PCHD-19, that appears to cause seizures, Autistic behaviors, and severe cognitive delays in girls, along with other factors. During the seminar, Dr. Goldberg said to her colleague, "Doesn't this sound like Roxanne Saxe?" Until now, we do not know why Roxanne has seizures. We've done all the testing available so far, all coming up empty. She said that this discovery, and research is so cutting edge, and we know so much more now than we did, even ten years ago. It is so cutting edge, that we may not even be able to test Roxy for it yet, but she is going to try. She asked us, "Wouldn't it be nice to know why, and put it to bed?" Yes. Yes it would. It may not change anything, but at least we would know why. And, who knows. Maybe in the near future, we will know even more....
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